pony express - 04
blood orange sun,
there are many things i'll say before i say 'i love you,' because those words are too heavy for me right now.1 i hope you understand the implications. but i fear rejection. so please feign incomprehension if you don't share my sentiments. better yet, if that's the case, just disappear from my life altogether.
is it love, though? agonizing in stifling silence? cursing my heavy heart? wishing i was dead? i've become a self-made rapunzel, trapped in a tower of my own design. this suffering is mine and mine alone, yet it all revolves around you. i'm a most loathsome princess.
i must seem obsessive. maybe that's the case. it's all just sick, infatuated obsession. and obsession is ruination. but i was already ruined long ago, what could this be now?
how much longer can i live without you? i'm getting dangerously close to my loneliest point. once again. it's unhealthy. i know it's unhealthy.
i haven't yet graduated from shame - truth be told, it's gotten worse. i used to think of us in intimate, compromising moments. now i can't even think about you without believing that i don't deserve to.2
i'm an evil, terrible woman who can't help herself.
1. 'when's the next time you'll visit?' 'will i see you again?' 'will you come back to see me?'
2. and let's not talk about worthiness. not now.
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